The Trump Interview (Satire)

I had a dream recently that I had the chance to interview Donald Trump on various topics concerning Americans. He was incredibly candid in answering my questions, but I was not surprised when he told me to publish this great interview ASAP.

From what I remember, here is the interview:

Do you know if conservatives are happy with how you handled the Supreme Court appointees?

Many conservatives are happy that I nominated three Supreme Court justices to be on the SC while I was in office until early 2021. These diehard followers will always support me. They want prayer back in schools and the elimination of abortion so the USA becomes more Christian. I wouldn’t ever say this publically, but this is about me doing them a favor for a conservative being placed on the SC. It has nothing to do with getting back to where the country was in the 1950s. It has nothing to do with honoring the flag or touching your heart during the National Anthem. Because of this favor, don’t think for a moment that I don’t want a favor in return. If I remain in politics and nominate people to swing the court in the conservative direction, there’ll be a time that I need a favor, and I expect those justices to help me out in a pinch. Besides, Jack Smith is one powerful prosecutor whom I fear, so the SC needs to leverage its power to my benefit. 

What do you think about the afterlife?

I was born Christian, but if you pinched my cheek, I may say there’s no afterlife whatsoever. Therefore, if I’m held accountable here, I’ll never be held accountable. What not get away with whatever you can whenever you can? Who cares about tearing down institutions and wrecking political norms? If it gets me into power again, that’s all that matters. If I don’t seize power or money, someone else will, so I have to grab as much as possible now and not worry about when I’m gone.

Why did you force out Ronna McDaniel as the Republican National Committee chair?

If I keep repeating things that aren’t true, my people will eventually start believing me. I never liked Ronna McDaniel as the Republican National Committee chair, so what did I do? I complained about her in my campaign rallies, saying she was incompetent and not up to the job. After a while, my base’s perception of her work was denigrated and criticized, and others harassed her, so she recently resigned from that position. At that moment, I seized the day and nominated my people, Michael Whatley and Lara Trump (my daughter-in-law). My two nominees have no question that the RNC became the Trump National Committee instead. That’s how it’s done. I’m firing most of her staff, thinking out loud this could end up being a cash cow designated for my campaign, but most importantly, it’s for my legal bills. I know an election is coming for the RNC to assist, but I need the money worse. 

Is Nikki Haley grateful for your assistance in her career?

I’m no dummy; to become the Republican nominee for President, I had to eliminate Nikki Haley, as she was the only candidate left to regain my control. So I called her Nimrata Haley to show my base that she was a foreigner who had darker skin than most of the individuals in my base. I had to show that I did her a favor during my time in office by giving her experience as ambassador to the UN. She owes most of her success to me; otherwise, how could she say she has foreign policy experience without my favor? I’m not worried about alienating her support – there are many Republicans who I know can’t stand Sleepy Joe and won’t waver away from their party regardless of what I say about her. How can I lose when I have this approach?

Do you have any misgivings about how you treated John McCain?

My theory is that many Americans are not well-versed in civics and will not believe what I tell them. So, I used a trial balloon to criticize John McCain years ago. You remember, I said, “I like leaders who weren’t captured during the war.” I didn’t know if this trial balloon would work because many Americans, especially in rural areas and the Southern US, are patriotic. Still, the only question is whether this would help me. It turned out that people put their patriotism aside and continued to wear my MAGA hat. While I did this, I was so happy to learn that most of my people didn’t seem to care that I avoided the draft during the Vietnam War. They appear to like people who can “rig” the system to get what they want. Besides, how could I make millions selling real estate when I’m stuck in a rice patty fighting against these small people in a swampy country?

Do you consider almost half of Americans as deplorable?

About eight years ago, Hillary said behind closed doors that close to half of Americans were deplorable, and that got her into trouble. What a big mouth! I’d never suggest publicly that my base was deplorable. How could they be deplorable if they adore and love me? I’d be foolish to admit it publicly even though I may secretly agree with her; why say something that will hurt me?

Are you innocent of all 91 counts against you?

We will expand our merchandise database to bring more money to pay my legal bills. I know I’m innocent; that way, the coffers continue to get filled. Never mind that I’m charged with over 90 counts but look, it’s a witch hunk, I’m completely innocent of all charges. The merchandise will ultimately help my bottom line, not my policy bottom line, as I’m not sure I have one, but my financial bottom line. I realize the more charges filed against me, the greater my support – financial and political. At the same time, I’m trying our court systems like nobody before. My attorneys will take several tactical approaches to eliminate this witch hunt. If I can, I will delay and delay some more. I demand that my attorneys try "every trick in the book" to help make a mockery of these charges. That worked in the past, and I'm sure it will work now.

Do you find that name-calling of your opponents is an effective strategy?

As I said earlier, if you say something repeatedly, many people will begin believing it regardless of its validity. So, I’d say things like “Crooked Hillary” or “Sleepy Joe” or the idea that Obama wasn’t born here. These things helped to rile up my support and base. Name-calling was the most effective way of getting attention, which became adulation to me. God, do I love that adulation? Sometimes, I wonder if that’s all I want: power, adulation, and love. Most prefer the “Sleepy Joe” chants that are two fewer syllables. They're more comfortable with simple language. My base gets so excited when I name-call; they’re having as much fun as their first monster rally. 

Before your term, it didn't appear you were too concerned about illegal immigration. Why the change today?

Because I can’t do business in NY for three years, I’m definitely against migration. If I could use them in my development projects, that would be a different story. Why support something if it’s not going to benefit me directly? I love our capitalism (good thing it’s not a democracy) so much because I like a system where you can screw another before you get screwed. The system was developed so you can manipulate it if you can. Throwing chaos at the legal system has served me well so far. Why stop something that's working for you?

How do you feel about environmentalism?

The earth will take care of itself; I need to focus on what’s best for me and have success in business and politics. I started throwing shit against the wall to ridicule environmentalists. So I said that windmills will kill many birds. Or they may cause cancer. Or solar power doesn’t work at night. My base believes me – maybe they, too, hate ecology folks. Why shouldn’t we burn as much coal and fuel as possible to get what we want? We have so much land, and we push that pollution to the center where no one lives. If God didn’t intend us to use our natural resources, why did he make the resources so plentiful, especially in the US? There’s enough oil and coal for my life. The last thing I’ll say here is that tree-huggers are losers in business and life who have nothing else to fall back on.

Are you afraid of most Muslims?

I go to rallies and campaign events, and I see all those people who look like me and know I can say negative things about Muslims. Besides the terrorist attacks, they never helped me in business. Also, because of 9/11, I’d say, how can you trust any Muslims? Plus, a Muslim named Bin Laden bombed the World Trade Center eight years before. Because my base typically has very little interaction with Muslims, I can paint the picture for them, again for my benefit. I can use fear to convince my base not to trust them. Because many lack critical thinking skills, they go along with what I say. To bring Sharia Law into the picture, I can show what can happen if we don’t stop them from controlling our country. Why would I support a group that has little clout in Congress? They’re weak politically. Because I’m smart, this approach was welcomed by American Jews. When you talk about clout, you can start talking about American Jews. So I know which side of my bread to butter. You want as many influential and wealthy Jews on your side as possible. It’s right before our eyes. 

Are Puerto Ricans satisfied with how you handled Hurricane Maria in 2017?

During my time in office, a hurricane hit Puerto Rico (I can’t remember which one), which decimated the country in October of 2017. That was the one when I got criticized for throwing paper towels. If the Puerto Ricans can’t catch, and they should because baseball is big there, then they don’t deserve handouts. I ignored them if someone didn’t say something nice or if a pretty woman didn't smile at me. Someone asked how well I did, and I said, “10 out of 10.” As you know, I’m the best president ever. The base will never realize that, at that time, 28% of residents didn’t have potable water, and 78% of the island didn’t have power. Because of my great boasting about my job, my base believed me about my score. Besides, how many in my base would ever care about a territory that can’t become a state? It’s a poor place, and it’ll remain poor. 

Do you love Israel?

In December of 2017, I let Israel change their capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and the US moved its embassy to Jerusalem. Why did I do that if Israel wasn’t going to give me anything? Well, I’ve talked with many in my base who are Evangelical Christians, and they look upon Israel as a very holy place, a place where the leaders can do no wrong. If I give the base some meat, they’ll realize that I’m helping them ensure that Israel stays in the Holy Land. It was a selfish gesture, and many thought I gave Israel something without getting something in return, so I kept my campaign promise.

How did your meeting with Viktor Orban go about a week ago?

I met with Viktor Orban over the weekend at my place in Mar a Lago. Why not? He’s not crazy about NATO and is a strong man. Why should NATO exist if some countries don’t pay their fair share? I want the same power here that Urban has in Hungary. He’s a strong man, and his people sometimes fear him. What’s wrong with that? I give Putin credit; he wants more land, so he invades Ukraine. What’s wrong with that? He takes what he can get and is a strong man I admire. He doesn’t have to deal with the checks and balances shit that I had to deal with while President. My job would be much easier if I could implement what other strong men have done here in their country.

In closing, I only want to say one thing: who doesn’t want to be king, especially in America, the greatest country? 

The Trump Interview