I was sitting in a local bar with my friend Walkin' Willie weeks after Christmas, and we both exhaled as we realized we had survived Christmas one more year. The shopping, cooking, cleaning, gift wrapping, and errand running were over for another year. The Christmas music reminded me of my youth, although I don't need to hear it for nearly two months, starting around Halloween. Anyway, the topic shifted to having guests during the holidays and how not all visitors have the proper guest etiquette. When this occurs, these stories have a "staying power" to last many years.
Walkin' Willie said, "Years ago, a guest visited our house with a pet allergy. At the time, we had a hypo-allergic Bichon Frise, and the guest asked if a neighbor could take the dog for those days while she visited. Even though we stated that our dog is hypo-allergic, it still didn't sit well with our guest. We smiled and said there's no way we're shipping our dog to the neighbors for that visit. The guest relented, knowing the hotel down the street costs money and doesn't provide free meals throughout the day." Sometimes, you have to assert yourself to stay calm and in control.
I'm not sure I'd invite such a guest back. My crazy guest story pertains to dietary restrictions. On one occasion, I had guests who claimed they needed a variety of milk for breakfast and lunch. I ensured we had an ample milk supply in the fridge to meet their dietary restrictions. So, I purchased unpasteurized milk, almond milk, lactose-free milk, soy milk, skim milk, and 2% cow's milk, and I was relieved to know I had touched all the bases. When that guest surveyed my milk variety, they first commented that there was no oat milk. I felt like taking this guest to the local hotel by the nose, but I just smiled and walked away because it was my wife's relative.
Walkin' shook his head in disbelief, stating he had never confronted special dietary requests by guests. However, he said one guest complained about the sheets in our spare bedroom. The guest said the sheets were a little stiff. She asked if the sheets were Tunisian because she'd had terrible experiences with Tunisian sheets in the past, which gave her leg rashes. She requested that I change these sheets to Egyptian cotton sheets instead. For some reason, the guest claimed the cotton grown along the Nile provided softer comfort and didn't negatively affect her skin. Walkin' said, "Anyone who can ascertain the difference between Tunisian and Egyptian cotton belongs at a luxury hotel, not my home."
I told Walkin', "I can't believe those guests would have the gall to complain about the sheet fabric. They should be happy you have sheets on a bed. When I was young, we only had fitted sheets, and we never used flat sheets on the mattress I slept on. No other complaints should be made if the bed is warm and dry." I guess it's just another example of guests behaving badly."
Another challenge I had with several guests pertained to gluten insensitivity. Trying to understand better how I could help, I tried to find any products they could have for breakfast, so when I was in Costco one day, I noticed a healthy alternative: sprouted organic oats. The package said "celiac free," which excited me because I thought I could provide them with options besides eggs and hash browns. My guest responded, "I can't have oats because I'm allergic to gluten." I said, "I'm aware of your condition, but the package says they are celiac-free, so why not consider them? If not today, moving forward?" Without thinking or being willing to examine the package, she replied, "I can't take any chances." If I were her, why not consider additional safe products to help expand one's options? Ultimately, they avoided the sprouted oats for the entire stay and just exclusively ate eggs for the whole of the week. Guess who was tasked with cleaning up their mess?
Walkin' seemed grateful that he hadn't dealt with such prickly issues with guests. As he sipped his beer, he was surprised some visitors would complain about the lack of space. He continued, "I had two guests stay in our upstairs bedroom for nearly a week; therefore, they must use the closet and dresser for their clothes. Otherwise, if they live out of their suitcase, it provides little room to move." When they complained about the room size, I said, "You need to use hangers for your dress clothes and the dresser for the rest. We can temporarily move your empty suitcases to the basement to give you more legroom." My guests appeared to want to complain instead of following my suggestion. Walkin' said, "It reminds me of the phrase, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.""
I took another swig of beer and couldn't understand why a guest would complain about something within their control. Having been a guest over the years, I would never complain about such a thing, especially if it's something I alone can fix. I shifted to the plumbing fiasco I had with one guest years ago. I'm thankful we have several toilets in our house, especially when guests come over.
Unfortunately, the most common toilet is on the first floor, meaning most visitors will use that toilet during the day. One time, a guest wasn't happy with our thin toilet tissue, so she bought very thick toilet tissue the day after she arrived. A day or two later, the toilet stopped working, so being the maintenance man, I had to unclog it. That is no problem, considering I once had small children; I've done this over 30 times. I went to work the day before Christmas Eve, trying five combinations, using YouTube as an idea generator. I also visited my local hardware store to purchase a sophisticated plunger unsuccessfully. I also dug out my plumbing snake from the basement without success. By the end of this crappy day at seven pm, I had no choice, so I had to call an emergency plumber who arrived on Christmas Eve, and his sophisticated camera equipment discovered a nail file had been flushed and was stuck between the PVC pipe. After spending two hours pulling away the toilet and $1,300 later, the plumber's camera had discovered and resolved the issue. I don't know when the nail file was flushed, but the thicker toilet tissue added to the problem. It's not fair to accuse the guest of plugging the toilet, but the fact that she changed the toilet tissue worsened the situation. Her response was casual and nonchalant, and not exactly how I would have responded if I were a guest and had done the same thing.
As I finished, Walkin's head dropped in amazement. "Wait, it cost you over one thousand dollars to address the issue?" I nodded in agreement and noted that I couldn't look at that guest the same again.
Walkin' said that his wife loves antique furniture, and years ago, she was given a unique, beautiful table year. The only catch was that the table needed refinishing. His wife procrastinated for years before I was asked to take it to a local craftsman who could do the job for $2,000. Once this table was refinished, we realized we needed new chairs to complement the table, so my wife and I found six chairs we ordered. A special order for these chairs took about four months before delivery. About one year later, while we served spaghetti carbonara with a tossed salad in the dining room after the meal was finished, we all got up to clear the table. One guest, who sat at the head of the table with the armed chair, primarily used the arms to propel her up from the table, and seconds later, the right arm snapped. What was her response? "Oh, to fix this, you'll just need a screw." What? That would not be my first response if I damaged a new $1,000 chair. Was this person embarrassed because her strength and weight damaged the chair, and she didn't know what else to say? If so, then later apologize to the hosts about the damage and show genuine contrition (which didn't occur). The arms of this chair were designed for resting your arms, not pretending that you're at the Olympics performing on the parallel bars.
Walkin' Willie whispered, "Yes, but it was my wife's best friend from high school, so she didn't pursue the issue further."
It was time to order another beer and switch topics. Even though we told some incredible stories of guests behaving badly, we didn't necessarily feel any better. That was not the result we were looking for. We moved on to national politics, but that was a mistake, knowing that all this chatter and venting about the new administration would probably not do us much good. It was time to order another beer and reminisce on how Midwest winters no longer feel the same with very little snow.
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